Role Model

I’ve been back in the City of Angels for 14 days now and even though I signed a lease for a year on a new flat in my fave neighborhood here in West Hollywood I feel somewhat alienated…. Not so much to the city, or to the people. But to life in general and to my role on this planet. After 2 months of living in a suitcase traveling between jobs, friends, family and continents I always find it difficult to settle. To stay in one place for more than a week without feeling stuck. But today it’s beyond that.

Do you know the feeling? Asking your self what the ‘F’ the meaning of life is over and over again? I’ve been there before, bought the t-shirt before and wrote the book, but I guess I’m still doing it. Haha…

Fact is, I’m not sure the meaning is there. Really. I think you have to create your own meaning in whatever you do. But I don’t mean it in a nihilistic kind of way. No. On the contrary.

People say that life is full of compromises, but I don’t agree. I think you have to find your own core values and find out what keeps the fire burning even through the most severe ice storm and then never compromise. Ever! Call me childish and naive, but that is my experience so far.

One time 5 years ago on a July afternoon in Manhattan I shared a bottle of chilled Pinot Grigio with artist Anton Perich in his flat after a photo shoot. And we talked about role models. I remember complaining to him that I couldn’t find a role model or somebody that I could really relate to. There are so many amazing people out there, but I felt like I had been born in the wrong era. The women I love and look up to are beyond dead and gone now (my mother and grandmothers do not count here).

Anton laughed and said: ‘That’s great! That is exactly how it should be. It’s much better to figure things out on your own. I don’t believe in role models. But I think you should write about it’. I was really disoriented by his words because what I really wished for in that moment was somebody to show me the way. To tell me what to do. To enlighten me and to help me lift me and my work onto the next level.

But there was no one to show me anything. Period.

This is still the case. There is no one. I’m alone on my path. But I’m not so worried anymore. I’m used to it and just kind of annoyed… Sometimes… Like today.

But then again, I don’t want it any other way. As my acting teacher here in LA Anthony Caldarella says: ‘Kristina, I can tell you are extremely vulnerable, but you can kill if you have to. Nobody tells you what to do.’ And he is so right. I still fight the impatience. I detest waiting. Big time! But it is a weakness of mine and I’m working on it.

So… what am I saying with this? Good question… Well, maybe that it is important to actually go out and live your life and stop all the planning. ‘Cause life is what happens to you while you are busy making plans’… (ok, that was a cheesy and waaaay exploited Lennon quote, but I’m sure you get the picture).

I don’t want to count the days I spent mapping out my life. And what for? The planning kept me completely shut down from all the fantastic new things out there. Experiences I never thought possible.

So I guess the advice of the day is to throw away the to-do list and stop the compromises.

See you out there!

love KK