Just Trying to Be a Woman

Ok…. So I’m back in Santa fe New Mexico. Last time I was here is almost 1,5 years ago. At that time I just left my long term boyfriend and my short term Hollywood agent and I was in serious need of some R&R far away from old habits so to speak…..

So out in the desert I went. A place far away in the wild, wild west where Native Americans,  local cowboys, the artists, tourists, coyotes, black widow spiders, tumble weeds and lizards call the shots. Believe it or not I actually went to Middle School out here (!)

However, this time around my situation is very different. I am here with my family and I am not escaping from anything. Actually I was looking forward to going to the galleries and seeing my old spiritual mentor, Susan Harris, who lives here in Santa Fe.

I met this amazing woman back in 2006 after I had chased her down for several months. Susan wrote a book called Theater of the Soul, which at that time in my life was a huge inspiration to me. So when I found out Susan lives in Santa Fe I looked her up and was lucky enough to get two days with her, where we worked and she guided me through situations and challenges in ways I had never approached them before. Aside from my acting teacher Bill Esper and my time at his Acting studio in NYC, Susan Harris is the next huge mentor in my life.

Years went by and I always thought I would come back and visit Susan and pick her brain some more. I still have pages of her handwriting from our sessions that I’m having a truly hard time understanding. I thought perhaps she could help me translate some of it.

But as I was looking her up 2 days ago, trying to reach her to make an appointment I found that she had passed away…. It is hard to describe how I felt in that moment realizing that I had not made it in time. I know that I was lucky to even have had two days with Susan. The most enlightened person I have met so far. And I know that what I felt in that moment is absolutely nothing compared to what her family must have felt and still feel.

Once I again I realize that life is short and waiting around is no good. The saying ‘Don’t wait for tomorrow what you can do today’ rings very true on a day like this. Procrastination is Satan’s middle name and I regret that I was too late.

After this experience my nights became dominated with vivid dreams about my grandmother who passed away in January 2008. You might find me crazy when I say that I still talk to my dead grandmother. But I do. And to me our communication is as real as apple pie. 

So, what is my point with this? I’m not quite sure. I guess some days are just intense and others extremely intense. I never seem to get a ‘day off’ when it comes to the emotional highs and lows. And in case you were wondering I am not ‘winning’ in a Charlie Sheen Bi-polar manner. I am just a woman trying to understand the world she is put into. And sometimes that is a very very tall order…

xoxo KK